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Lately I’ve been inspired by the honesty of other lady bloggers. They put themselves out there. They’re brutally honest and make themselves vulnerable.
I’ve been hesitant. Very hestitant. But other lovely ladies (such as Mama’s Losin’ It and Someday I’ll Get There and Hang On Little Tomato and Little Woman, Little Home and Life Is Better In Heels, just to name a few) have gone out of their way to be incredibly open with us.
So I’ve decided to give that brutally honest thing a shot…
I’ve fielded a lot of questions in regards to my workout habits. People wonder “How do you do it?”
I’ve avoided truly answering this question.
The truth? Ok.
So many of you lovely ladies have discussed body image and the pressure that women are under (or, rather, the pressure that women feel they are under) to look a certain way. Well I’m not sure where it came from, but ever since I was about 15, this pressure turned into an obsession.
In high school I had a bit of an eating disorder. I regained control of everything the summer after my senior year of high school.
So no worries, peeps. I eat. I eat regularly.
But I have some issues still. Because of my prior history with an eating disorder, I haven’t weighed myself in years. I mean… like 8 or 9 years. Everytime I go to the doctor, I have to remind them of my history and not to tell me my weight. I close my eyes.
This is also why my workout habit isn’t really a habit. It’s an obsession. While some of you would say “I wish I had your obsession,” it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be.
I obsess. I think about working out all the time. About what I’m eating. About what I will eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner… about what I will eat tomorrow, the day after that… next week.
It’s impossible to stop my brain from
obsessing thinking about these things. If I skip a day at the gym, I obsess about it all day (for example, today). If I only work out of an hour, I obsess about how it should have been longer.
I know these things are not logical. It’s just the way it is. I hate it. I wish I could change it. It controls my life. I can’t function like a normal person. I can’t go out and do things with friends because I have to wake up at 3:30 in the morning to work out.
I figured it was about time I fess up. I figured that there have got to be other people who feel this way.
And even as I hit “publish post,” I am terrified…