Thank You //

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First I want to say a HUGE thank you for all of the love and support yesterday. I nearly forgot that I scheduled that to be published and when I saw it up, i panicked a little. Because saying that my PPD is getting worse makes it that much more real. And it makes me that much more vulnerable.

But that’s kind of what I needed. I needed for it to be as real as possible.

Because for whatever reason I thought my “baby blues” would dissipate. and then they didn’t. They got much worse. Much darker. Than I ever anticipated.

Before I put it all out there online I had a very honest conversation with some friends. I told them that I needed to be with them, in that moment, because I couldn’t imagine being at home with my screaming child. Alone. Isolation when dealing with PPD is terrifying.

And they did not judge.

I told them that I almost drove myself to the hospital in the middle of the night so I could be given something to stop the severe panic attack (PS. The one thing that stopped me? Fear of being admitted & not being able to take care of and feed my babies. See PPD doesn’t mean you hate your baby. Nope. The opposite. I love her. Hate myself).

And they did not judge.

I cried when I told them that I was just so so sad. They told me that there was no shame in feeling this way.

And they did not judge.

The outpouring of support I’ve received from texts, emails, tweets, and Facebook messages have been so incredibly helpful. I was truly afraid of judgement. But no amount of fear of judgment could stop me from talking about my PPD and asking for help. Seriously.

And then in the last 24 hours I read of a woman (a friend of friend) about my age, who recently lost her battle with PPD yesterday. I cried and cried and cried when I heard this. I’m lucky enough to not have gotten to the point where I want to harm myself or others. But with sleep deprivation and PPD, it can easily get to a point where you get this way.

In that moment, I felt so incredibly lucky. Lucky because I have an awesome tribe of people to help support me. Lucky because I decided to talk about it. Lucky because I can see past the fog, and understand that this will not last forever.

And as we go into the weekend I feel inclined to share these two hotlines, for those who may need them:

xo