job

Guys. Let’s just cut to the chase: It sucks. Working and being the mom of a toddler sucks the big one. It’s exhausting. And I constantly feel pulled in a thousand different directions. And it is the fault of no one. It just is the life of a mom. Because moms put that kind of pressure on themselves completely on their own. I try to do it all well; but something always suffers. The thing I’ve learned in the last couple of years? The thing that suffers will NOT be my family.

Still, there are people — WOMEN MOSTLY — who say “When you’re at work, 100% focus on work; when you’re at home, 100% focus on home.” Newsflash: It isn’t that easy. For one, being a mom isn’t something you can ‘shut off.’ There’s always a parent-related to-do list that’s ongoing (ie. “Target trip: Pick up diapers after work; Must leave at exactly 5PM to make sure I pick him up from the sitter on time.”). My mind is always juggling these things. And we’re pretty much always on call for an emergency. Sure, when you’re at home with your kids, those things happen. But imagine getting that dreaded call or text from the sitter while you’re in the middle of something important at work… your mind instantly wanders because HOLY CRAP MY KID HAS AN EGG ALLERGY AND NEEDS TO BE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL. (Yes, this actually happened).

And when I pick him up from the sitter my thought process is as follows: “OK, I need to get him exhausted. I’ll take him to the play place for an hour. Then home to eat a super quick dinner. And then maybe a bath? Wait, who am I kidding. We won’t have time for that. It’s straight to bed. Then I have to clean, do laundry and the dishes. Maybe I’ll get to sit down for an hour before bed? Probably not.”

Really the juggling consists of dropping the ball — A LOT. I just pick up the balls and start juggling again. You kind of just have to roll with the punches and imperfections that come along with doing it all.

And for every mom who I hear say “Well I did it with TWO kids.” or “So-and-so is doing it without a problem,” I. Don’t. CARE. They are not me. And I am not them. We are all different. The one thing that binds all of us is motherhood. And that is what should unite us. Whether you are a working mom, a SAHM, a WAHM, a part-time working mom, whatever — we are all juggling.

Some have found their niche. For some that means juggling a mega career. For others that means spending all day everyday at home with little ones. And there is no judgment in which of those paths you choose to take and make your own.

Wherever each of us is on the spectrum, we’re all just doing the best that we can with our personal circumstances. For me? I thought I wanted to be a working mom. Now? Now it’s becoming clear that this path I chose may not be the best for me. Or for our family. Especially if we ever want to expand it further.

And that’s OK. I’m evolving. Perhaps I’m not evolving to everyone standards…. but I don’t need to. I’m evolving based on mine and my families needs. And I’m tired of feeling sorry about it; I’m tired of feeling guilt about not wanting my career to be my main goal; and I’m tired of explaining and/or defending myself. So I’m no longer going to. That’s all.

Sidenote: I recognize that I’m completely lucky to have a partner who is completely supportive. This mommy thing would be a lot harder on my own. But from all of the two-parent mamas I’ve spoken with, the consensus seems to be that moms take the day-to-day child-rearing burden — but fret not dads — we choose that on our own!! And if you tried to steal those things (like making doctors appointments, scheduling swim lessons, etc), we simply WOULD NOT LET YOU. No offense. Moms are just weird like this. 🙂

Additional sidenote: I don’t have ANY idea where this post is/was headed; but I just needed to put it out there. So here you go, universe. Until next time.