Its a Hero

career

the art of juggling // TFAWM an update of sorts

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Guys. Let’s just cut to the chase: It sucks. Working and being the mom of a toddler sucks the big one. It’s exhausting. And I constantly feel pulled in a thousand different directions. And it is the fault of no one. It just is the life of a mom. Because moms put that kind of pressure on themselves completely on their own. I try to do it all well; but something always suffers. The thing I’ve learned in the last couple of years? The thing that suffers will NOT be my family.

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Still, there are people — WOMEN MOSTLY — who say “When you’re at work, 100% focus on work; when you’re at home, 100% focus on home.” Newsflash: It isn’t that easy. For one, being a mom isn’t something you can ‘shut off.’ There’s always a parent-related to-do list that’s ongoing (ie. “Target trip: Pick up diapers after work; Must leave at exactly 5PM to make sure I pick him up from the sitter on time.”). My mind is always juggling these things. And we’re pretty much always on call for an emergency. Sure, when you’re at home with your kids, those things happen. But imagine getting that dreaded call or text from the sitter while you’re in the middle of something important at work… your mind instantly wanders because HOLY CRAP MY KID HAS AN EGG ALLERGY AND NEEDS TO BE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL. (Yes, this actually happened).

And when I pick him up from the sitter my thought process is as follows: “OK, I need to get him exhausted. I’ll take him to the play place for an hour. Then home to eat a super quick dinner. And then maybe a bath? Wait, who am I kidding. We won’t have time for that. It’s straight to bed. Then I have to clean, do laundry and the dishes. Maybe I’ll get to sit down for an hour before bed? Probably not.”

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Really the juggling consists of dropping the ball — A LOT. I just pick up the balls and start juggling again. You kind of just have to roll with the punches and imperfections that come along with doing it all.

And for every mom who I hear say “Well I did it with TWO kids.” or “So-and-so is doing it without a problem,” I. Don’t. CARE. They are not me. And I am not them. We are all different. The one thing that binds all of us is motherhood. And that is what should unite us. Whether you are a working mom, a SAHM, a WAHM, a part-time working mom, whatever — we are all juggling.

Some have found their niche. For some that means juggling a mega career. For others that means spending all day everyday at home with little ones. And there is no judgment in which of those paths you choose to take and make your own.

Wherever each of us is on the spectrum, we’re all just doing the best that we can with our personal circumstances. For me? I thought I wanted to be a working mom. Now? Now it’s becoming clear that this path I chose may not be the best for me. Or for our family. Especially if we ever want to expand it further.

And that’s OK. I’m evolving. Perhaps I’m not evolving to everyone standards…. but I don’t need to. I’m evolving based on mine and my families needs. And I’m tired of feeling sorry about it; I’m tired of feeling guilt about not wanting my career to be my main goal; and I’m tired of explaining and/or defending myself. So I’m no longer going to. That’s all.

Sidenote: I recognize that I’m completely lucky to have a partner who is completely supportive. This mommy thing would be a lot harder on my own. But from all of the two-parent mamas I’ve spoken with, the consensus seems to be that moms take the day-to-day child-rearing burden — but fret not dads — we choose that on our own!! And if you tried to steal those things (like making doctors appointments, scheduling swim lessons, etc), we simply WOULD NOT LET YOU. No offense. Moms are just weird like this. 🙂

Additional sidenote: I don’t have ANY idea where this post is/was headed; but I just needed to put it out there. So here you go, universe. Until next time.

the evolution of a working mom. (PS. I’m sorry for all of the judgment before)

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I recently came across this article about how childless women judge working moms. I admit – I’m completely guilty of this. In fact, when we found out we were expecting Ari, one of my fears was how this unexpected pregnancy was going to affect my career. Even long before our unexpected pregnancy, I would think to myself “If I ever end up pregnant, I would still want to work full time. How could anyone want to give up something so fulfilling as working outside of the home?”

Even after Ari was born, I looked forward to going back to work. Sure, not right away. I definitely enjoyed my maternity leave. Well, scratch that – I loved the fact that I didn’t have to juggle work and getting absolutely zero sleep for three months. And having the holidays off didn’t hurt, that’s for sure.

But I looked forward to going back to work. I remember it being more sweet than bitter. I wanted to be around real talking human beings. I mean, I had it rough at home — Ari was colicky for months and months. He refused to sleep and spent most of the day (probably 20 out of 24 hours) screaming and crying. It was awful. So I practically RAN back to work. Seriously.

That feeling lasted for months after I went back to work. And shortly after Ari started sleeping through the night, something started to change. And not just the feeling of being semi-rested; but something in me started to ache to spend more time with Ari.

And that’s part of what prompted me to change my position at work for a job that provided me with more daytime hours with Ari. My work day started at 2pm instead of 8am which gave me plenty of time to have lazy mornings with him. And for a while, that was fulfilling enough. Sure, that meant I had to give up Saturdays to work instead of spending it with Chad and Ari. But the benefits outweighed that con.

Over the last year, perhaps after Ari started becoming less of a baby and more of a toddler, things have majorly shifted for me.

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I ache — my whole heart aches — to spend time with Ari and — even I can’t believe this — but to do house-keeping and super domestic things nonstop. I want to spend my time raising my child and doing laundry; I want to help potty train him and do the dishes; I want to vacuum every day and have time to try to learn to cook. I want to be able to work just part-time; just enough to get my fill of adult conversation.

I also think it would make me happier if I was able to be that kind of mom who stayed at home with Ari. But I know that this is not in the cards for us; it’s not something that is financially possible. At least not at this time.

I just can’t believe I’m now this person. I can’t believe I judged working moms for feeling this way. I’ve verbalized this judgment over and over again before having Ari; and for that, I feel incredibly guilty.

A girl I work with has been known to say the same types of things that I used to say about not being able to even imagine NOT wanting to work. It took everything I had to bite my tongue. I knew my words were useless with her. She would never believe me. She would never believe how much a little person could change someone so much. She would never believe how I, the same person who never ever wanted to have a child, could have so drastically changed my outlook on childrearing.

I don’t know if there’s a purpose to this post other than to just put it out there into the universe. Maybe it’s so that I can keep focused on my main goal, which is to be in a position where I can spend my time focused on my family and our household. However, in the meantime, my family will always, always, be first. Chad and Ari are the only things that are important to me; everything else is secondary — everything else is replaceable. But those two? Irreplaceable. And they are my absolute everything.