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I would be lying if I said some of the nerves I have regarding the birth of baby number 3 isn’t about my own mental health and well-being, postpartum. As someone who has suffered from varying degrees of postpartum depression and anxiety with both of my other children, it’s hard not to think about what is likely my postpartum reality this time around.
When my son, Ari, was born 5.5 years ago, I knew something was off right away. I felt… distanced from him. I have spoken about this immensely before, but I felt as if I had an overwhelming desire to protect this tiny human I spent so much time creating; but I wouldn’t quite refer to it as love. The love part came much later.
Shortly after his arrival I was put on an antidepressant. It seemed to work a little bit, and has since been tweaked over the years and is now working beautifully. But PPD with him is what initiated my journey with anxiety and depression medications. When I got pregnant with Remy, our daughter, near Ari’s third birthday, I knew to expect a rough road again.
But I felt more prepared. I had a plan. I would restrict visitors until we found our groove. I could handle it, right?
To my surprise, and delight, as soon as she was born I felt that immediate outpouring of love for her!
It took us months of no sleep (when I say “no sleep,” I mean that this child slept for an average of 2 – 3 hours in a 24-hour period). Usually during the day when someone else was holding her. And spent every single night screaming in agony.
I felt a rage like I had only read about. Luckily, I was cognizant enough to understand that if I did not step away from her, I would most certainly hurt her. I realized that this was probably the one sign that I was not suffering from postpartum psychosis — my ability to properly think through what was actually going on in my brain.
There were honestly moments in that first year where I considered driving myself to the hospital because I felt like I was going crazy. It’s a humbling thing to think about. Knowing that, had I driven myself there, I almost certainly would have been admitted to the psychiatric floor for evaluation. And I truly thought about doing that — and likely would have — if Remy hadn’t been 100% reliant on me for nourishment (aka – she refused to take a bottle).
I’m lucky to have had an amazing support system, both at home and at work, who truly helped me survive the first year of Remy’s life. Once we realized that she had been having urinary tract infections and was in excruciating pain, we had a plan of action. Rounds of antibiotics and trips to the chiropractor’s office helped her become a normal baby. And, in doing so, helped me get through the fog of that first year.
- My husband gets many weeks of paid leave this time (thank god!) which will certainly be helpful in keeping the bigger kids in order while I handle the baby. Lucky for us, he doesn’t have to take it all at once, so I’m going to
- My coworkers are expecting my return to work, with my kids (all of them), at 3 weeks. While this may seem like a detriment, I assure you it isn’t. I work in childcare and that means I will literally be able to hand my new baby off, as needed, for breaks. They also were all there for me with Remy and understand that it is less about my return to work and more about my return to sanity and adult conversation.
- I am going to take this new baby to the pediatric chiropractor (in addition to her pediatrician) within the first month of her life. Guys. I really didn’t think it would work for Remy — but it did. And these tiny adjustments that the doctor made on my baby changed her. So instead of putting it off this time around, I’m going to bite the bullet (aka the co-pay), and take her right away.
- I’ve been talking about postpartum a LOT and with everyone. I need everyone to know what to expect from me — my husband, my friends, my family — so that they know to be prepared to pick up the pieces when and where needed. And I’m so lucky to have this support system ready and willing to help out.
In the meantime, I’m just going to have to expect the worst and roll with the punches. We went into this pregnancy knowing that we may have another awful first year, but that it does get better. And I guess that’s what we’re going to have to make do with for now. But I will 100% be honest about it, that’s for certain — because talking about it is actually helping to alleviate some of the pressure I feel regarding my upcoming postpartum experience.
And perhaps — just perhaps — talking about my own experiences can be helpful to someone else.
Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, nor am I advocating for intervention with medications. I’m just stating what worked for me.
This is so important to talk about! This is such a reality for most Mommas! I really had issues when I had our first Little. I, like you, had a great support system with many knowledgeable people. <3
Love your honesty here! I’ve been suffering from anxiety since I stopped nursing my son last year and its terrible – I’ve only recently begun to feel some relief. I wish you the best of health after the birth of your third born!
It’s great that you have a support system and plan in place! Good luck mama!
I’m glad you have such a great support system! Sharing your story will surely help someone else too!
Good that you are planning ahead and know what to expect. I know other people that have taken their baby to chiropractor.
So brave of you for sharing your story and your honest emotions!
I know having my husband at home helped A TON. I love reading raw and open posts like these. It does a lot of good sharing stories of trials and learning from them. YOU ROCK, MAMA!
I think it’s super smart you are planning ahead!
I’m glad that you a preparing yourself for PPD and surrounding yourself support group, it will help make things easier for you this time round.
you are so honest and it’s refreshing! a support system is a must
That is probably one of the best things you can do, talk about it. That not only helps you and those close to you, but it also brings awareness to such an important issue!
Thank you for sharing. You’ve been so strong and brave in sharing this with so many others who’ve probably experienced this too. Keep being awesome, and I hope all goes well with the newest little one.
I think it is so awesome to make this a conversation. I love your realness and honesty!!
Thank you for your honesty…sometimes the signs of PPD is very hard to spot.
It is good that you knew the signs and that you had the support you needed.
Postpartum depression is real. Thank you for sharing information in a way to help others.
So exciting that your husbands gets paid leave! Why isn’t that always the case? Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve been curious about this topic, it’s great to hear a real story.
I’m expecting my second baby and I think writing about your experiences is such a good thing to do. So many women suffer. Thank you so much.
You look stunning! I had PPD after my second baby when I stopped nursing and it carried into my pregnancy with baby number three. It was SO hard. I am terrified to stop nursing this time around for fear it will come back. Kudos to you for opening up to your readers, and also for being so self aware!
This is so important to share! This is honestly one of my greatest fears about having kids, but reading stories like yours is so important to know moms are not alone
Know thyself. Its really smart of you to take the time before baby to prepare yourself and those around you. Wishing you the best!
I love that people are talking about PPD! And I love that you are sharing your story! I used to be a L&D nurse and when moms would come in aware of their risk for PPD due to prior history, we just knew they were set up so much better for what may come. Also, I know it’s ALWAYS wise to prepare for what is likely, but I do have a friend who had PPD with her first 2 and then not with her 3rd…sometimes hormones do wacky things. But she was prepared with meds and everything in case it had happened like she expected. Anyways, best wishes for joy with your 3rd. <3 <3 <3
Thank you so much for sharing this! It is so important to have support and I am glad you do!
It is so great to know you have such a supportive group of friends and family. I think the fact that you are so open about it will help.
Sending you love, friend. I’m thinking of you & directing lots of positive vibes your way. You are so bravely honest &y transparent – & there are so many people rooting for you.
I appreciate your honesty. I had severe anxiety while I was pregnant with my second child, and I’ve lived with PTSD since before I’ve had kids. It can be really hard to explain the extra hurdles that mental illness causes when preparing for a new baby, as well as the postpartum period.
So great that you are preparing ahead with things that have helped before lined up and that you have a great support team. Praying for you for a great delivery and easy transition with your new addition.
As someone who (thankfully) has never experienced PPD, i’m so very thankful when people speak up about it. it helps me understand it better, and point friends in the right direction when the need becomes apparent. Thank you for sharing this with everyone.
Thank you for sharing your heart and being so honest! I love seeing your plan in place and pray the best for you!!! <3
I really appreciate your honesty and candor with this issue, I love seeing women being more open about it. I am hoping that your third postpartum experience is easier than your first two and that your wonderful support system and wealth of experience sees you through. Hugs!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am so glad to see women talking about these things. I think the more we talk about it, the more we can reduce some stigma around asking for help. Wishing you all the best this time around!
I think it’s great that you have a plan! You are certainly prepared to deal with PPD, should you experience it. I only have two children, but the arrival of my second was much more stressful. I got a lot less sleep because I was up all day with a toddler and up at night with a newborn. I think I was in “survival mode” for the first three months. Best wishes for an easy delivery and speedy, happy recovery!
There are so many people that suffer from postpartum depression. It is wonderful that you’re sharing your story!
I am lucky that I didn’t suffer from postpartum depression, but my emotions have been all over the place since having kids. This post will be so helpful for so many moms.
SO many women go through this! Def something that should be openly discussed more often.
Such a great post, thanks for sharing your tips