-Feeling a little blah.
-Work is stressing me.
-Waiting to hear back about the job is causing a little anxiety (partially because I’m afraid to plan anything due to not knowing where I’ll be).
-I can’t wait to schedule the BF’s birthday trip. Very excited!
-BF’s very sad today š This makes me sad, too.
Wake up and smell the Karma.
I’m hoping no one takes offense to this blog post, but I’m guessing someone, somewhere will.
Let me start by saying that I do not judge people based on their own personal belief systems. These are just my thoughts, driven by my personal journey.Ā So while I welcome your comments, please do not preach to me.
That being said…
Yesterday was Easter. This weekend I spent a lot of time with family (both mine and my boyfriends family). And I had some time to reflect on what this means to me and to those around me.
I was raised Roman Catholic, but am not only non-practicing, but I do not believe in any single set of beliefs. I was not always this way. At some point along the way, I realized that it didn’t make sense… at least not for me. Perhaps it was my studies in ancient religions and eastern religions. I studied the Islam, Hinduism, and Buddhism, and realized that they all believe in the same religiousĀ tenants, but in different forms and in different shapes.Ā
Most of my thoughts on Easter this year came from Facebook. Before you sigh and moan, hear me out. So all of my oh-so-holy-and-mighty Catholic friends gave up something of meaning for lent. Let me be clear that I once did this, but looking back, it seems like a giant charade. Ā Give up something. You’re supposed to really think about it. Here’s what they come up with: Soda, Chips, Ice Cream, Coffee, Candy, etc. WOW. Great to see you put a lot of thought into it. It seems like a game they play. No one’s really sure why. Except they did it last year. So they might as well do it again…. right?Ā
I’ve mentioned that I’ve studied many other religions. One thing that I noticed about a few is that they believe is that while they all preach “only god can judge” they also preach that “this, this and that are ALL BAD and god is not cool with it.” For example, homosexuality. I’ve come to the realization that I cannot EVER be part of a religion, or even slightly associate myself, with an organization, that denounces an entire group of the worlds population. And where are they on the “he who casts the first stone”??Ā
It all really pisses me off when I am judged by people who either: a) feel sorry for me and offer their prayers, or b) feel that I am really missing out on something and truly believe I will damned for eternity. Guess what? I’m a pretty good person. I do base my life around certain things. For instance, I believe that good comes back to you and so does the bad. Plus, the kindness of strangers is an amazing thing. I do not need a religion to tell me this. This is something I KNOW. I don’t need to know that someone gave their life for me. I don’t need anyone to do this. I know that I can be a good, or even a GREAT person without the drama that is organized religion.Ā
I also am very unsure of how someone can be SO SURE about Jesus. I mean, what about all of the other great believers? How about Mohammed? He was a pretty stellar dude. Pretty much just like Jesus. And Buddha? Try finding bad things to stay about these people. TRY.Ā
All I’m saying is that this Easter opened my eyes to the final conclusion of my former religious life. I will never again be a believer in organized religion. There comes a point where you open your eyes to all of the good in the world, and realize that all we are doing is segregating ourselves.Ā
WAKE UP WORLD. Smell the karma.
Happy Monday
Monday, Monday, Monday.
The Weekend:
-the weekend was great. spent some serious time with BF and his family, but we had fun.
-i’m starting to get really comfortable around his extended family, so i can be myself and be silly.
-spent a little time with my family yesterday. it was boring (i’m so mean).
-TV/snuggle marathon with the BF last night. it was a great way to slow down the end of the weekend. couldn’t have asked for anything better.
This Week:
-have a busy week ahead of me at work, but I’m not going to stress about unreasonable deadlines. oh well š
-get to pick up pottery tomorrow from All Fired Up! and see our beautiful sushi plate creations.
-planning the BFs birthday. he already knows we are going to west virginia for a whitewater rafting trip. still ironing out the details. š
-smiling a LOT for a monday morning. š
“To be happy, it first takes being comfortable in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there.” -Sophia Bush
It’s hard to believe it’s been almost an entire week since I’ve updated anything. Where to begin!?
So Wednesday at work, I started to have the beginnings of a nervous breakdown. I had not really talked to anyone in my family about what’s going on, nor had I talked to BF about it. I was stressed to say the least. And anxious. And emotional.
I went to yoga last Wednesday night, and I cried the whole time. Not a healthy-this-is-so-moving cry, but a OMG-I’m-losing-my-mind kind of cry. Very unhealthy. After yoga I checked my voicemails and called my friend Katie back. Turns out she’s engaged. I was very happy for her, but I know I was not expressing it well. I didn’t mean for this to appear to be this way, but I was so down and stressed.
BF was supposed to have been at a bowling banquet Wednesday night, but just before yoga I let him in on the secret that I was semi-losing it. He only spent an hour at the banquet and then I went to pay him a visit.
It was emotional. And I think he was surprised by everything. And then turned supportive. I’m feeling much better now that I have gotten some off of my chest. Now I’m excited. I want it all to just happen. RIGHT NOW. I’m ready. š
lost. if found, please return to…. ?
I am an emotional roller coaster. Seriously.
I had a semi rough day at work. My manager keeps saying there is a “perception” of me that is less than awesome. To sum it up, women do not like when other, younger, women are their teachers. Now this is just a fraction of the people that I have to train, and, instead of taking their comments with a grain of salt, my manager feeds off of them. She kept referring to my “need to mend bridges.” Mind you, I have burned few bridges in my life, and those that I have burned, were not professional bridges. They were personal bridges. I kept telling her that this perception she has is shared by very few people. She is actually spreading the perception by even buying into it to begin with. This is supposed to be the person that supports my professional development and she cuts me down with bogus thoughts.
After this ridiculousness today, I actually had a decent day with the same people who, supposedly, hate me. I did have a good lunch with NIM. I feel bad because every time we see each other lately we both seem to be having a rough go at it (and by it, I mean everything). I feel guilty for unloading. We both look like we’re going to cry. Are our lives really this rough? We are both seriously suffering from some work issues. Neither of us should be caring as much as we do about work, and, we are not being acknowledged as we should be about how much we do put in.
So regardless of the stresses of the day, I was super pumped because I had a phone interview this afternoon. It went really well. It went on for about 45 minutes. He was a really cool dude. JM is right… this sounds like an awesome guy to work for. After he asked me tons of questions he told me he “wasn’t gonna lie.” And that he “did his research about me well before calling,” but had originally given the impression that he was doing the ‘just getting to know ya’ kinda thing.
When I got off the phone, I was so excited! SO EXCITED!
This was followed by an almost immediate panic attack.
What if I get it? What if I don’t? Which of these situations do I really prefer? Both for different reasons… SIGH. This potential decision would mean that I have to evaluate everything in my life. I’ve already been doing mini-evaluations of my life. And it sucks. I hate making decisions about life… like, real life decisions. I do not trust my judgements.. this is because I have a history of choosing the wrong path.
UGH.
So sick :(
So I had a really good weekend. Made sure I spent time focusing on me, but also was able to bring the BF along for a couple things. I really wanted to go paint pottery, and even though yesterday was a beautiful day that should have been spent outside, I asked BF to join me at All Fired Up in Akron to paint! He agreed and away we went! He painted a sushi platter and I painted a sushi plate. This is something that I have never really brought anyone along to do with me, so it was kinda nice that he wanted to go with me. š
About halfway through painting pottery I started having these horrible stomach pains. I did a LOT of yoga this weekend, so I had a feeling it was from strenuous abdominal exercises. It got worse and worse. We made smoked salmon again for dinner, and I could barely eat because I was in so much pain.
In the middle of the night I ended up waking up screaming… like, literally, screaming out in pain. BF tried and tried to make it go away. He used pressure points that are supposed to help with stomach pains, and it helped… temporarily. The pain was so intense that I started to feel like I was going to be sick. I spent most of the night near the bathroom, just in case I was going to throw up. It was awful. I knew I had to be up for work at 6:30, and I couldn’t sleep because the pain and nausea. I had to call in sick to work this morning and I really really did not want to do that. I have a ton of pressure on me at work, but I wasn’t convinced that I could hold it in… and I did NOT want to throw up in the work bathrooms.
It’s early afternoon now and I’m feeling semi-better. I forced myself to eat, but I’m going to hold off on yoga for a few days. Was it the stomach flu? Food poisoning? Bad abdominal pains? I’m pretty sure it might have bee a combination…
Now I’ll be worrying about work all day… sigh. I don’t get paid enough to stress about work when I’m not there.