neurotic + overwhelmed

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I’ve been completely avoiding social media this week. In times of crisis, I tend to shut down mentally + emotionally.

And this week was no exception.

I was overwhelmed with emotion. And thoughts. Oh, the thoughts!

My outlook has changed dramatically since Ari was born. I’ve always been the paranoid type, but something about the responsibility of caring for another human is unnerving.

For instance, a couple of weeks ago I was at the gym, working out, and the video feed I was watching on my iPhone went out. No cell signal at all. Zero.

My first thought was completely irrational — something had happened, like a nuclear bomb had hit the US and knocked out all cell signal.

Yes. That is the first place my mind went. Neurotic. I’m aware.

At this point in my life my biggest fear is something bad happening and not being with my baby.

Some days it’s paralyzing. I didn’t expect to feel so overcome with anxiety all of the time as a parent, but it’s my new reality.

I just want Ari to be safe. And if he isn’t? Well, then I want to be with him when the s*** hits the fan.

The reality check of this week made me count my blessings even more.

Each night after work, I picked up Ari and headed home; I kept my computer shut and just focused on spending time with my family — in savoring each moment with them; I [mostly] stayed off twitter, email, blogs and facebook. I just couldn’t stop hugging my baby.

I know I can’t keep my family completely safe. So instead I’m going to love them hard and hope for the best.