thoughts

unintended lessons for my toddler // AKA thanks, random stranger

December 22, 2015 by Rachel 2 Comments

Dear Old Cranky Woman at the Cable Store:

I wanted to say thank you for reminding me that while everyone else I ran into yesterday was sweet and kind, there are still people who will be bitchy to strangers for absolutely no reason.

While Ari and I were minding our business, waiting our turn, you decided to ask my shy toddler a series of questions. Easy questions, yes. Like, “How old are you?” to which, he responded, “free.” Which is shy toddler speak for “three.” After he politely said hello to you and answered your serious of questions, I repeated what he said, for clarity purposes (I recognize that young parents are generally the only people who can properly translate toddler speak… plus he was being shy so it was a near whisper).

After you asked a series of other questions, you said “Maybe you can answer instead of MOMMY doing everything for you.” I ignored you. ‘Cause ain’t nobody got time for that. And? See above.

But when my very well-behaved toddler asked to watch a movie on Mommies phone (after waiting patiently in his stroller for 15 minutes without so much as a peep), I decided to abide. I pulled up the sweetest and most educational show on Netflix, Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. Another patron noted that her niece loves Daniel Tiger! I told her that we’re watching the episode about Daniel getting a new baby sister, in hopes to prep him for ‘the big change.’

Dear, dear, old lady… this is where you piped in, “I don’t think he’s going to care about his sister when he has all the TV to watch!”

Dare I say it, but oh-so-typical, old lady judgy talk… just days before Christmas, at that! YOU, dear lady, are the exact opposite of the person I try to be everyday.

And although I owe you ZERO explanation, here is what you DID NOT see:

My 3-year old has a cough from his Reactive Airway Disease (aka toddler asthma). He’s not been sleeping well; thus, his parents have not been sleeping well.
Despite his cough (and his Mommy getting only 2 hours of sleep), we both awoke at 7am to tackle the day.
The very well-behaved toddler you saw had already endured a trip to the grocery store and a doctors appointment without so much as a peep! That was two hours before our encounter.
This was the single errand I was dreading, since it was to my former employer (albeit, not the location I worked) and I had just been “let go” several days prior, at 35 weeks pregnant.

So thank you, mean old lady. You served as an example for my child; an example of how rude and condescending a person can be; an example of how NOT to behave to strangers.

Lucky for you, I just brushed our encounter off without a word. Because, let’s face it, you would have thought my behavior to be “typical” if I had said anything rude to YOU. Right? “Typical young person being rude to the elderly.” But no. No, that’s not the case. Let’s just call it the Christmas spirit. Or lack of fight. Regardless, I hope whatever miserable existence you have for this week is nothing like our encounter. If it is, I feel very sorry that that’s the kind of life you lead.

Sincerely,

A stranger with a lot to be sad about, but the one you see with a smile. Also known as The Mom who is doing a damn good job.

i am my own worst enemy // but it will all be okay

September 23, 2015 by Rachel 1 Comment

Sometimes I get in my own head. I start to panic because it’s pretty much the worst place to spend a significant amount of time. I am THE BEST at doomsday scenarios, in every facet of my life. Seriously. I can jump from nothing to worst case scenario in 2 seconds flat. It’s a horrible feeling.

So when I play “worst case scenario” over and over again in my head, I literally have to talk myself off that proverbial ledge. I’ve been extremely stressed during this pregnancy. In addition to the major sickness, I’ll just burst into tears because this is not how life should be. And I’m missing a lot of work because of it. And that has me stressed out, like, beyond words. I just feel like none of this should be this way right now.

But wasn’t I just preaching in my mantra for this week (which, I’ll admit, is more for me than anyone else), that worrying just sucks the joy from today? Yes, yes I was.

Regardless of the many of the several doomsday scenarios I think of, I will be OK!

… I will still be alive.

… I will still have my health.

… I will still have this baby in my belly.

… I will still have my husband, who very much loves me.

… I will still have Moosh and his relentless toddler love.

… I will still have a roof over my head.

… I will still have food on the table, morning, noon and night.

In the same way that I can be my own worst enemy, I am also good at talking myself off the anxiety ledge. And if I just can’t manage to do it, I’ll reach out to someone who will do it for me. ♥

And everything will be okay.

And yesterday, someone on the internet reminded me that we survive even our worst days. And it’s true. And if you need that reminder today, or if you know someone who does, I’ll leave you with my favorite quote:

I just need to vent

August 6, 2015 by Rachel Leave a Comment

It’s OK if you just ignore this post. It’s really for me to just put it out in the universe and be done with it. A little vent-sesh, if you will.

So our new vehicle was broken into last night in the YMCA parking lot while Ari was in gymnastics. In broad daylight. And so were THREE other cars. In addition to the broken window, my purse was stolen, along with my wallet, debit card, drivers license, and my Day Planner (including all four pictures of our sonograms).

Chad was understandably upset that his car was broken into, but happy that they didn’t take his phone OR THE CAR! And, sure, it threw our whole night for a loop, but the cop did a stellar job at getting all the information (and FINGERPRINTS! from another car).

But here are things I just need to vent about:

1. My wallet. It had exactly $2 in change in it. No cash. Plus it was a Tory Burch wristlet. I know, I know… #firstworldproblems. But I’m honestly less concerned about the brand, and more upset that I have to find a new wristlet (which is super convenient while lugging around a toddler).

2. My wallet did, however, have my debit card in it (which was cancelled right away — without any pending charges), my license, our zoo membership pass, and our Café O’Play membership pass. Luckily the gals over at Café O’Play know us well enough to (very likely) just replace the card. However, the zoo membership will need to be replaced in person, likely with photo ID (which I do not have right now). It’s just frustrating.

3. I’ve been so sick. And the last thing I want to do is go have everything replaced, close accounts, and reopen new ones, all for exactly zero dollars in cash. And to have my picture taken for a new license while pregnant.

4. My Day Planner. Guys. I loved this planner. And I write EVERYTHING down in it. Everything. To-do lists, events, play dates… everything. Plus the sonogram pictures are in there. And I just feel so violated. Someone knows the inner workings of my life! I know. Silly, right? But still. They know my schedule. My doctors appointments. Ari’s gymnastics and swim lessons. PLUS they have our address. They know where we live.

PERSPECTIVE:

We are all (relatively speaking) healthy. We are all OK. We are unharmed, physically. Even as I was typing above, I realized how silly I sound. And I think that I really needed to put it all out there to be able to move on. Sure, it’s super inconvenient; but we are OKAY! Sigh. OK. End rant.

I’m grateful for my husband and his ability to be the level-headed one, our son for his attention to detail and his joy (“Mommy’s purse is gone. Someone went ‘bam-bam’ and take it!”), our community for the dozen people who offered help and ‘condolences,’ our law enforcement for their diligence in gathering evidence, our friends for hanging with Ari (and feeding him while we talked to the cops), and again for my husband for reminding me that life is more than the contents of my purse and the car window. ♥

Blogging // Authenticity // and the Truth

May 19, 2015 by Rachel 5 Comments

I created my blog years ago as a space and an outlet for me to share the happenings in my life with myself and a few people who may actually read it at the time. Over the years it transitioned from me being single and living in Syracuse; to Chad and I dating; to us living 6-hours apart and dating long-distance; then to us moving in together; and then to us getting married and starting a family.

Along the way it’s remained a place where I share my hopes and my dreams; my passion for creating a healthy lifestyle (while being completely honest with myself and the world about continuing to seek balance throughout the process); local events and happenings; and the everyday hum-drum of my life.

One thing that has changed over the last 7.5 years is opportunity. Blogging has created enormous opportunity in my life. I’ve met some incredible people in-real-life thanks to friendships created over the internet and social media — because I put myself out there. I’ve been around people from all different walks of life that I wouldn’t have met otherwise; and for that I’m incredibly grateful.

Blogging has also brought me a teeny bit of financial opportunity via sponsored and reviewed posts. And while that hasn’t quite been a life-changing amount of extra income, it certainly has helped. I don’t do them often and they seem to come in waves where I have months without an offer and then two at a time.

However, this is really and truly none of anyones business. In fact, the great thing about the internet and social media is that we are all free to share what we want. But we are also free to see what we want. We can follow whoever we’d like on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook; and we choose to follow those that we don’t align with. When you open a blog, follow a person on twitter, or engage in social media, YOU ARE PROVIDING CONSENT TO WHAT YOU ARE SEEING, whether you agree with the subject matter or not.

I received a nasty comment in regards to losing my authenticity of blogging with my recent sponsored posts yesterday. I have not yet approved the comment; but I’ve also not yet denied it. (Sidenote to people who leave fake or anonymous info: IP addresses don’t lie). It hurt. It shouldn’t have, but it did. The words didn’t exactly hurt; but the idea that someone would go out of their way to be nasty to another person? that is something that in my 30 years I have YET to wrap my head around.

Here’s the truth: I’m not always authentic. None of us are. But — dammit! — I try my hardest to do so. I put myself out there — the good, the bad, and the ugly parts that no one else has the balls to talk about. I’m a hard working mom. I’m a full-time employee for a huge company (to which I’ve been employed for the last ten years). I am a partner to my husband. We run a household together. And we try to work in some fun in our spare time. And in addition to that? I share parts of it here on my blog. Because each of us chooses what and with who we share things; each of us crafts an online persona; and that isn’t being inauthentic — it’s simply just a piece of our true selves.

So basically thanks for the perspective on my blog, commenter. 🙂

the art of juggling // TFAWM an update of sorts

April 9, 2015 by Rachel 1 Comment

Guys. Let’s just cut to the chase: It sucks. Working and being the mom of a toddler sucks the big one. It’s exhausting. And I constantly feel pulled in a thousand different directions. And it is the fault of no one. It just is the life of a mom. Because moms put that kind of pressure on themselves completely on their own. I try to do it all well; but something always suffers. The thing I’ve learned in the last couple of years? The thing that suffers will NOT be my family.

Still, there are people — WOMEN MOSTLY — who say “When you’re at work, 100% focus on work; when you’re at home, 100% focus on home.” Newsflash: It isn’t that easy. For one, being a mom isn’t something you can ‘shut off.’ There’s always a parent-related to-do list that’s ongoing (ie. “Target trip: Pick up diapers after work; Must leave at exactly 5PM to make sure I pick him up from the sitter on time.”). My mind is always juggling these things. And we’re pretty much always on call for an emergency. Sure, when you’re at home with your kids, those things happen. But imagine getting that dreaded call or text from the sitter while you’re in the middle of something important at work… your mind instantly wanders because HOLY CRAP MY KID HAS AN EGG ALLERGY AND NEEDS TO BE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL. (Yes, this actually happened).

And when I pick him up from the sitter my thought process is as follows: “OK, I need to get him exhausted. I’ll take him to the play place for an hour. Then home to eat a super quick dinner. And then maybe a bath? Wait, who am I kidding. We won’t have time for that. It’s straight to bed. Then I have to clean, do laundry and the dishes. Maybe I’ll get to sit down for an hour before bed? Probably not.”

Really the juggling consists of dropping the ball — A LOT. I just pick up the balls and start juggling again. You kind of just have to roll with the punches and imperfections that come along with doing it all.

And for every mom who I hear say “Well I did it with TWO kids.” or “So-and-so is doing it without a problem,” I. Don’t. CARE. They are not me. And I am not them. We are all different. The one thing that binds all of us is motherhood. And that is what should unite us. Whether you are a working mom, a SAHM, a WAHM, a part-time working mom, whatever — we are all juggling.

Some have found their niche. For some that means juggling a mega career. For others that means spending all day everyday at home with little ones. And there is no judgment in which of those paths you choose to take and make your own.

Wherever each of us is on the spectrum, we’re all just doing the best that we can with our personal circumstances. For me? I thought I wanted to be a working mom. Now? Now it’s becoming clear that this path I chose may not be the best for me. Or for our family. Especially if we ever want to expand it further.

And that’s OK. I’m evolving. Perhaps I’m not evolving to everyone standards…. but I don’t need to. I’m evolving based on mine and my families needs. And I’m tired of feeling sorry about it; I’m tired of feeling guilt about not wanting my career to be my main goal; and I’m tired of explaining and/or defending myself. So I’m no longer going to. That’s all.

Sidenote: I recognize that I’m completely lucky to have a partner who is completely supportive. This mommy thing would be a lot harder on my own. But from all of the two-parent mamas I’ve spoken with, the consensus seems to be that moms take the day-to-day child-rearing burden — but fret not dads — we choose that on our own!! And if you tried to steal those things (like making doctors appointments, scheduling swim lessons, etc), we simply WOULD NOT LET YOU. No offense. Moms are just weird like this. 🙂

Additional sidenote: I don’t have ANY idea where this post is/was headed; but I just needed to put it out there. So here you go, universe. Until next time.

the evolution of a working mom. (PS. I’m sorry for all of the judgment before)

March 17, 2015 by Rachel 1 Comment

I recently came across this article about how childless women judge working moms. I admit – I’m completely guilty of this. In fact, when we found out we were expecting Ari, one of my fears was how this unexpected pregnancy was going to affect my career. Even long before our unexpected pregnancy, I would think to myself “If I ever end up pregnant, I would still want to work full time. How could anyone want to give up something so fulfilling as working outside of the home?”

Even after Ari was born, I looked forward to going back to work. Sure, not right away. I definitely enjoyed my maternity leave. Well, scratch that – I loved the fact that I didn’t have to juggle work and getting absolutely zero sleep for three months. And having the holidays off didn’t hurt, that’s for sure.

But I looked forward to going back to work. I remember it being more sweet than bitter. I wanted to be around real talking human beings. I mean, I had it rough at home — Ari was colicky for months and months. He refused to sleep and spent most of the day (probably 20 out of 24 hours) screaming and crying. It was awful. So I practically RAN back to work. Seriously.

That feeling lasted for months after I went back to work. And shortly after Ari started sleeping through the night, something started to change. And not just the feeling of being semi-rested; but something in me started to ache to spend more time with Ari.

And that’s part of what prompted me to change my position at work for a job that provided me with more daytime hours with Ari. My work day started at 2pm instead of 8am which gave me plenty of time to have lazy mornings with him. And for a while, that was fulfilling enough. Sure, that meant I had to give up Saturdays to work instead of spending it with Chad and Ari. But the benefits outweighed that con.

Over the last year, perhaps after Ari started becoming less of a baby and more of a toddler, things have majorly shifted for me.

I ache — my whole heart aches — to spend time with Ari and — even I can’t believe this — but to do house-keeping and super domestic things nonstop. I want to spend my time raising my child and doing laundry; I want to help potty train him and do the dishes; I want to vacuum every day and have time to try to learn to cook. I want to be able to work just part-time; just enough to get my fill of adult conversation.

I also think it would make me happier if I was able to be that kind of mom who stayed at home with Ari. But I know that this is not in the cards for us; it’s not something that is financially possible. At least not at this time.

I just can’t believe I’m now this person. I can’t believe I judged working moms for feeling this way. I’ve verbalized this judgment over and over again before having Ari; and for that, I feel incredibly guilty.

A girl I work with has been known to say the same types of things that I used to say about not being able to even imagine NOT wanting to work. It took everything I had to bite my tongue. I knew my words were useless with her. She would never believe me. She would never believe how much a little person could change someone so much. She would never believe how I, the same person who never ever wanted to have a child, could have so drastically changed my outlook on childrearing.

I don’t know if there’s a purpose to this post other than to just put it out there into the universe. Maybe it’s so that I can keep focused on my main goal, which is to be in a position where I can spend my time focused on my family and our household. However, in the meantime, my family will always, always, be first. Chad and Ari are the only things that are important to me; everything else is secondary — everything else is replaceable. But those two? Irreplaceable. And they are my absolute everything.