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mental health

One Year Out // My Third Postpartum Journey

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It’s hard to believe that one year ago today I was… anxious. Anxious and excited. I was beyond ready to meet our final and missing piece. It would still be two more days of waiting before Miss Mila Rose made her way into the world. And I spent these days doing a lot of walking and a lot of impatiently awaiting the start of labor.

But let’s back up — because if you had asked me if I wanted to have any more children after Remy was born 3.5 years ago, I would have emphatically said “Hell to the no.” And I’m not certain what changed. But at some point, I realized that our family needed a little bit more craziness. Enter our 3rd (and final) pregnancy.

Looking back on those last moments as a family of 4, I realize that, although I was anxious, I was also calm. I was ready — perhaps more ready than I’d ever been to tackle labor. I knew my body was capable of handling a rough 24-hours or so, all to help this beautiful new creature enter the world.

But what I didn’t realize at the time is that my postpartum experience would be drastically different this third time around. I was heavily prepared to be on the struggle bus shortly after delivery.

When I was okay, I decided not to hold my breath. I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it didn’t. At least, not really. Or not in the same way as before.

And as I round out these last couple of days with my final baby, I’m celebrating the fact that we did it — we made it through our last postpartum period. Hoorayyyy!! Now let me snuggle my last ever newborn for just a teeeeeensy bit longer! Thursday will be here before I know it. ♥ ♥

Taking A Moment To Find Myself // My 3rd Postpartum Journey

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I needed this Mother’s Day in ways that I cannot even convey to you. Just Saturday, I was a broken down mother — exhausted from the grind, full of self-doubt and self-pity. But late Saturday evening, I purchased a pass to Balance + Brews at Royal Docks in Canton.

Balance + Brews is a group of local yoga teachers that do pop up classes in craft breweries throughout Northeast Ohio. I’ve been meaning to show up for a class for years, but there was always a reason I couldn’t make it. In fact, this time I almost self-sabotaged — I almost decided not to go because I was afraid of going alone. But I bought the ticket anyway. I committed.

And as I was driving down the highway completely alone, blasting music from my college days, I realized… I needed this. I honestly cannot tell you the last time I went further than Target (which is about a half mile) in the car without a child.

And then to have a meal completely alone? It just sealed the deal for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my children. But the weight of always being “on” has really taken a toll lately. It took me until Sunday to realize just how much I missed being with my most authentic self. And in those moments of screaming singing Thursday songs at the top of my lungs, I made a vow to make myself a priority. Starting now.

So to all of the mama’s out there who are struggling to find their new identity, I see you. If you can, go ahead and take a drive, blast that music, and remember who you are.

And Happy (Belated) Mother’s Day.

 

My Name is Rachel… and I’m Suffering from Postpartum Depression + Anxiety… Again.

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My name is Rachel…

I am a mom.

I am a runner.

I am a supporter of local businesses.

I am a coffee addict.

I am a fan of craft IPAs.

I am a lover of yummy food.

…and I am a postpartum depression and anxiety survivor.

Lately, it’s been a bit hard to talk about, which is unusual for me. But there have been many days where I have really struggled as of late.

The feelings came on much later this time around. I got really comfortable with the idea that I would be spared this time around. I was wrong. And that’s okay.

See, I really want to be all of these things WITHOUT also having the PPD/A, but (at least for now) it’s a part of my life. Personally, I know I’ll get through this. I know I’ll survive. But for now, I’ll be dealing with this unwelcome guest — the one who comes and goes as she pleases; the one who shows up at unexpected moments; the one who lingers for longer than I’d like. But I’ll get through this. I’ve been through it twice before and I’ll get through it again.

If you are struggling with postpartum depression and/anxiety PLEASE seek help. And if you want someone to talk to or cry to, shoot me a DM. ❤️

You are NOT alone!

4 Small Ways I’m Taking Control of My Health

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This post is sponsored by Nurx, but the content and opinions expressed here are my own.

New Year, New Me? Well, kind of. See in years past I’ve let the fact that I was busy raising children really surpass my own health and happiness. I missed routine dental visits and well-checks of my own because I simply didn’t make myself or my health a priority. But something about officially being in my mid-thirties with three young kids has slapped me in the face.

In the months since my 34th birthday, I’ve turned that promise to myself into a reality. Here are some small, simple ways you can take control of your health and wellness, too!

1. Move more!

I have used a fitness tracker of some sort for years now, but have often found reasons not to put it on (like forgetting to charge it). But I’m going on 4 months straight of wearing my fitness tracker! It’s certainly not the be all and end all, but it serves as a gentle reminder to move, move, move as much as possible!

I set small goals for myself, including my 10,000 steps a day, standing up at least every hour for 15 hours, and getting in a little exercise (usually in the form of chasing kids around).

2. Slow down by playing more.

I get it. It’s super easy to get focused on our daily to-dos and endless chores. I’ve been there… often. But something happened when I had my 3rd baby — I realized just how quickly they turn from newborns to toddlers. So I vowed to slow myself down. Those errands that are kind of important but not life or death? I put them off until later.

Instead, I find myself playing and laughing more. It’s made a tremendous difference for the kids and for me.

3. Check my risk for cervical cancer by using The Nurx Home HPV Screening Kit.

Last year I somehow missed my annual gynecological exam. I’m not sure how, as I am certain it was in my Google Calendar; but in December I realized that I had missed my November appointment. I know just how important these appointments can be for things like screening for cervical cancer, so I instead of rescheduling for months out, I used the Nurx Home HPV Screening Test.

The kit is quick and affordable, even for those without health insurance. It’s discreetly delivered to your home for a convenient way to test for 14 strains of HPV that have a high risk of leading to cervical cancer. For those of us that are over 30 and not getting regular pap smears, the Nurx Home HPV Screening Test is an appropriate replacement!

The kit includes everything you need — an extra long q tip, a plastic tube, a plastic bag, a barcode, and a prepaid envelope to return your specimen for testing! It costs just $15 with insurance and $69 without insurance — so there’s really no excuse not to check the health of your cervix right now.

Cervical cancer is one of the most preventable forms of cancer, yet HPV causes 34,000 new cancer diagnoses each year. The problem is that most men and women contract HPV at some point in their lives and are completely unaware that they have it. Head to the Nurx website right now and order your screening kit today.

4. Take 30 minutes for ME every single day.

This seems like an impossibility most days — I understand. I really do — but hear me out. This 30-minutes does not have to be some grand gesture to self-care. Truthfully, most days it isn’t. But as a mostly stay-at-home mom I know it’s important to take small bits of time and take a nice hot shower or to read a book for 30-minutes before bed. Or, heck!, even go to sleep earlier and catch up on those zzs!

These small moments of ‘me’ time have really helped me maintain my mental health.

Sure, I would love to be all caught up on my appointments, with my housework, and to-do list, but for now, I’m embracing the small changes that make a big impact on my overall health. Take control of your cervical health today by contacting Nurx.

 

 

28 Years Later // Remembering a Tragedy

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Twenty-eight years ago our lives changed forever. While we all have our own memories of that night, my own are still incredibly vivid — and certainly helped shape me into the adult I am today.

You see, 28 years ago, on MLK day, my younger sister and I were sitting in the living room watching TV. We had just finished eating dinner and we were on the couch in our pajamas. I was only 6. My little sister was not yet 4. The phone rang and my parents answered it from their bedroom down the hall. What I heard next were blood-curdling screams of my mother.

I remember my sister and I running back to their bedroom, terrified. What we saw were both of our parents hysterically crying. We both began crying as well. We had never seen our parents crying before and this was all so very scary. We didn’t know what was going on, but we were both very afraid.

Shortly thereafter, we were driven down to our neighbors’ house. We knew our parents had to go somewhere and that they wouldn’t be home for the rest of the night. We spent half of our childhoods at our neighbors home, playing with their two children of similar ages, but this was the first time I did not want to be there. I was scared.

The next morning I went to school, where I was met with condolences of teachers and school administration. I still had no idea what had happened.

I’m honestly not sure who told me what happened. At some point during that school day, someone had told me.

My maternal grandfather was shot and killed the night before.

The next several years of my life were filled with a sort of grief that no child of that age should have to deal with. Having the trauma of your first experience with death be that of murder was excruciating. I didn’t understand how or why someone would do this. And I spent the rest of my childhood acutely aware that (in my 6-year-old words) “bad things are happening in the world and I don’t understand how other kids are so happy all of the time.”

Now, 28-years-later, it amazes me that on top of my mothers’ grief, she also had to deal with two very traumatized children. She was not even yet 30 herself! Three men stole her father from her life far too soon for no reason other than a carjacking gone wrong.

I have the clarity now that only time can provide. Occasionally the whole family will discuss the memories of the details of that awful night — each of my moms 6 brothers and sisters and all of my cousins have varying stories of what we remember in the immediate aftermath. But time also truly does heal. And, although I’ve found forgiveness for the act itself, I still do not forgive them for stealing my innocence and causing a tremendous amount of anxiety.

While today I’ve been thinking about that horrible night, for the rest of the 364 days of the year, I think only of his memory — of his laugh, his smile, his warmth, and his love. The other 364 days, I remember my grandfather, not the tragedy. ♥ ♥

Bird Box + Motherhood

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Bird Box Review – Honest thoughts from a mother. The feelings of delayed attachment and failure to feel the urge to nurture is so relatable.

So the day after all of the hype (and, admittedly, after reading a spoiler-laden review), I decided to watch this “spooky” movie.

I had a lot of feelings while watching this. And I need to warn you, there may be spoilers ahead.

I cried. A lot. Like, a lot.

And then I went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I thought about this movie the entire night. I couldn’t quite place why I thought about it all night, but nonetheless, I did not sleep.

I watched as my Facebook friends left “meh, I don’t get the hype!” personal reviews and I would respond with something along the lines of “Really? I was so moved by this movie.”

I watched it again a few days later. This time, I was less “afraid” of it being a scary movie. Instead, I was fully enthralled in the dialogue and story.

Upon that second viewing, I realized just why I was so upset moved by the movie Bird Box.

Here’s the thing — Malorie is one-thousand percent relatable as a mother. I, for one, didn’t want to or intend to be a mother. Much like Malorie. I feared I wouldn’t be immediately attached with my firstborn. And guess what? I wasn’t — and that’s NOT uncommon, but it is a dirty little secret that most new moms refuse to talk about.

But it shouldn’t be.

My only immediate connection to motherhood was the urge to keep this new, tiny human, alive. I didn’t feel an overwhelming sense of love; just the need to continue to be the caretaker — to transition this new person from womb to the real world.

So it was refreshing to see that portrayed on the big screen, by the main character, without any major negative connotations. Usually, when a mother is portrayed as less-than-nurturing, they are seen as ‘weak’ or ‘unfit,’ but that was not the case in Bird Box. Malorie was simply acting as many of us would (and have) in times of crisis (such as the postpartum period).

Watching Malorie travel down the river blindfolded felt like a great analogy for the postpartum and adjustment period as a new mother. As a new mom we feel like we can go through these motions blind. We can feed, bathe, change, and help our new babies sleep — even if we fail to feel any other connection. And that’s what she did. She made it through a literal river of demons to keep her babies alive. That’s how I felt after having a baby and dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety — and it’s a story I’ve heard time and time again from my mom friends.

I feel like a lot of moms I know could really relate to Bird Box in a way that many people without children (or even dads) fail to initially grasp. It wasn’t just some horror flick. It was the most imaginative movie about motherhood that I’ve ever seen — without even meaning to be. If you haven’t yet had a chance to watch it, do yourself a favor and catch it on Netflix now!

And for those of you moms that are in the thick of your battle to connect and nurture, just know it will come. I promise. You’ll get through your river of demons, too. ♥