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feminism

Finding Value as a Stay-at-Home-Mom

November 5, 2018 by Rachel 18 Comments

I’m coming up on three years as a SAHM (WAHM/part-time earner) and I’m only recently becoming confident in my self-value.

See, just three years ago — only one month before I was due to deliver Remy Bea — I lost my job of ten years. I was completely devastated and 100% exhausted. Devastated because I felt like I let my family down; exhausted because I knew in my heart I couldn’t keep up with the back and forth of primary parenting while working any longer.

The burden had shifted.

Without my financial contribution to our family, I felt completely lost and isolated. In truth, I felt unworthy. My husband would now be the sole provider of our family. And the guilt that came along with that responsibility tore me to pieces. As I grappled with the notion that my previous income would not have been worth two kids in daycare full time, I was also coming to terms with my new identity.

Stay at home mom.

What would people think? Would my husband lose love for me? Would my valid as a person decrease because my role had (drastically) changed in society?

Truthfully, it’s something that took a couple of years to come to terms with. My role adjusted several times, as I returned to the workforce part-time just weeks after Remy was born — but with both kids in tow the whole time. Also, I monetized my side-hustle and shifted more energy in that direction. Working at home meant juggling diaper changes with photo edits, cooking dinner while sending emails, and often times not setting proper expectations for myself or my time.

But now, three years into this chaos… I feel whole. My role is not necessarily any more defined than before. But I know just how worthy I am.

I am a master of chaos.

I am the keeper of appointments.

I am the juggler of to-dos.

I am the ringleader of a tiny circus.

I am the family calendar.

I am the multitasker extraordinaire.

I am the boo-boo kisser.

I am the errand-runner.

I am the disciplinarian.

I am the mid-day snuggler.

And all of this is important. Undervalued, but important. 

It’s time to shift that paradigm. Your value is not based on your income; your value is not based on your financial contribution to society; your value is not based on the hours you put in. You are more than your work. You are important because of everything you have to offer the world.

Your value is not based on your income; your value is not based on your financial contribution to society; your value is not based on the hours you put in. You are more than your work. You are important because of everything you have to offer. Click To Tweet

Remember this, friends. When you’re in the depth of it — the ‘OMG what am I doing here?!’ — remember that you are enough. You are invaluable to so many. ♥ ♥

 

Filed Under: #MomLife, babies, children, family, feminism, mommyhood, money, Oh baby!, parenthood Tagged With: #MomLife, babies, being a mom, busy mom, children, family, feminism, mommyhood, oh baby, parenthood

#MeToo

November 30, 2017 by Rachel 20 Comments

I’ve gone back and forth about publishing this since the original #MeToo movement started. Truthfully, there are about a million other holiday-themed posts I should be posting right now. But this is just too important to put off for any longer.

A part of me hasn’t wanted to share this story because, well, it’s hard revisiting some of these things, ya know? Because once I opened the floodgates in my memory, the memories came pouring back in. And there are plenty of #MeToo memories.

But in light of some of the recent allegations of men in positions of power, I decided to finally share the one story that feels most similar.

...in light of some of the recent allegations of men in positions of power, I decided to finally share the one story that feels most similar. #MeToo Click To Tweet

In 2005, while I was still an undergrad, I started a sales job at a large cable company in Syracuse, New York. I loved my job, I loved the people I was working with, and I loved being part of a team. Oh — the excellent money and full benefits were a huge perk! I was leaps and bounds ahead of the job game with a ‘real job’ before graduation!

At the time I lived in a small 1.5 bedroom apartment by myself. Well, my puppy, Oscar, lived with me, too. I would wake up at 4am, go to the gym for two hours, head home before going to class, and go straight from class to my job until 10pm. I had weekends free and, since I was in my early 20s at the time, would head out with friends after work to the local pub on occasion. Basically, I was living the 20-something dream.

Since I was a non-traditional undergrad, many of my friends came from work instead of school. It was no big deal, but most of my friends were also about 5-10 years older than me.

Well one night I had a couple of friends over for wine and laughs — one school friend (female) and one work friend (male). Eventually my girlfriend had to leave to go see her boyfriend. Again, no big deal. Well minutes later, while hanging with my male friend, I had a knock on my door.

It was a male supervisor from the sales department.

He was not invited.

He looked up my address in our work billing system.

He drove to my house.

My (male) work friend and I were… shocked. I didn’t know what to do. The supervisor asked if he could come in and just hang out while he was waiting for his friends to meet up. Again, intimidated, I didn’t know what to do. So I let him in.

The supervisor asked if he could use my laptop real quick to look something up about where he was meeting his friend. I said sure.

He didn’t look up his meeting spot. He looked up porn instead.

At this point I pretended to be really exhausted and nodded to my male friend like “Dude, please get him to leave.” So my male friend suggested to the supervisor that they both leave so I could get some sleep. They both left. My male friend waited with his car running so that he could come back in and check on me, but the supervisor just waited in his car with it running, too.

My friend drove off in hopes that the supervisor would follow.

He didn’t.

He walked back up the stairs and let himself in my apartment (which I hadn’t had a chance to lock yet, as I was ‘playing asleep.’).

He came into my bedroom.

He whispered in my ear.

I pretended to still be asleep.

And I’m lucky that he thought I was asleep and decided to leave.

And I'm lucky that he thought I was asleep and decided to leave. #MeToo Click To Tweet

I’m one of the lucky ones.

But I was shaken. Visibly shaken. I called my friends and told them what happened and they were baffled.

One of them gossiped about it at work and told my coworker, Tracey. Tracey went to HR for me. I am so grateful for this gossip, because I don’t know if I would have had the courage to do so myself.

HR took swift action. They questioned me. So did the VP of the department. They made me feel safe.

But the rest of my coworkers lashed out at me. They didn’t understand why I would “try to get him in trouble.” All they saw was that *I* was doing this to *him*.

In the end, he was fired. He had to face his wife and make up some lie about how he got fired for throwing a beach ball at someone and they complained (no joke — this was his story for his [eventual] ex-wife).

But the backlash continued for me for a while. It made going into work — a place I considered to be fun and safe — a nightmare. The taunting, the verbal harassment, and the workplace discomfort was awful. I eventually transferred.

All of this is to say that my #MeToo story had a semi-happy ending with a not-as-traumatic beginning. Things could have gone way worse. But it’s still sickening that these stories are all too common. Heck, it’s likely happened to someone you know and gone unreported. Or maybe to you?

We need to continue to speak up. Certainly not all men are guilty of these crimes; but almost all women are the recipients of them. Because offenders are often repeat offenders. They use power and position to keep us quiet.

But I urge you to speak up. Speak up and speak out. Be loud. Tell your story. Heck, tell your stories — as uncomfortable as they may be. The only way to stop this is to bring attention to it as it’s happening.

Because I don’t want the next generation to be able to say #MeToo.

Because I don't want the next generation to be able to say #MeToo. Click To Tweet

Thank you for listening. xo ♥ ♥ ♥

For statistics on harassment see here. 

Filed Under: activisim, beliefs, feminism, health, life, Syracuse Tagged With: #MeToo, activism, beliefs, feminism, health, health and beauty, life, mental health, Syracuse

Weekly Mantra //

January 30, 2017 by Rachel 21 Comments

It’s the dawn of a new week, friends! And after some serious R+R this weekend, I’m absolutely ready for this week! Honestly, we didn’t do much this weekend, besides signing Ari up for Little League (so exciting!) and watching several Disney movies. It’s been a perfectly semi-relaxing weekend, that’s for sure!

And this week I feel ready to take on the world. Well, my life and schedule, at least! Ha! Let’s be real though — as moms, sometimes it feels like we’ve taken on the world just by making it to bedtime without losing our minds, am I right!?

I’m grateful to not be in a position where I need federally funded birth control or assistance of any sort. That, however, does not mean that I am not outraged; that does not mean that I am not fighting; and that does not mean that I will stand silent.

I’m totally content with our ‘schedule’ for this week! Between work, preschool, playdates with friends, PechaKucha Akron, and my first experience with float tank therapy! As I write this all out I realize that my week may sound totally boring to most, but for me? This is mom life at its finest, ya’ll!

I still really wish there were a few more hours in the day. I can never seem to juggle work, housework, and the kiddos in full harmony. Something is always lacking. Usually housework! Ha! But seriously.

I’m totally happy with life in general. Things certainly aren’t perfect — far from it! But, for the most part, life is okay-ish! My family is healthy and provided for, our life is semi-stable (as stable as it can be with two young children!), and my family is happy.

Weekly Mantra:

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In the wake of this last week, I feel like my mission to be an advocate for those without a voice. More than ever before. I will not stand quiet, friends. And if this — equal rights — is something that you have a problem with?? I suggest just unfollowing me now. Because the conversation is started. And it won’t be ending for the next 4 years. #byefelicia

Filed Under: #MomLife, activisim, feminism, mantra Tagged With: #MomLife, activism, feminism, mantra

Post-Election Thoughts //

November 10, 2016 by Rachel 12 Comments

It’s been a hard week, y’all. I’ve been writing and writing and writing. I just can’t seem to hit “publish.” And maybe it’s best that way. Maybe it’s best to just sit on our thoughts…

But yesterday I broke my silence. After many tears, and in the process of mourning, I finally made some decisions. I decided that I don’t want to remain quiet any longer. I’ve always considered myself to be progressive, but I’ve finally acknowledged that I am, indeed, a feminist.

img_2624
There. I said it. I’m acknowledging it.

And, through months and months of arguing with people during the campaign, I finally opened up civil dialogue about my thoughts and feelings. I summed it up in this post…

Surprisingly, it went swimmingly. Granted, there were two ridiculously aggressive commenters. But those comments were immediately deleted and those people unfriended.

Some may think, “Really? You *had* to unfriend them??”

And, to that, I answer, YES. Yes, I had to. I am so done. If they can’t engage in civil discourse then there is no need for me to engage with them; and there is no need for me to remain acquaintances with them. Heck, I just had to distance myself from a (not very close) family member!

Done and done!

img_2626
So if you  need me, here’s where I’ll be:

  • Supporting all of my LGBTQ friends — and letting them know that I am an ally.
  • Seeking out and truly getting to know my local politicians — and getting involved in local movements I can get behind!
  • Get 1000% more involved in my local community in general.
  • Standing up for women. I’m no longer going to be a closet-feminist. Ya know why?? Bitches get stuff done!
  • Speaking out about the fear that women go through on a daily basis.

These are just a few things I plan on doing. Seriously. This list will grow. So be warned, friends. I hope you’ll stay with me on this journey. It’s a journey of acceptance, love, and moving forward. xo

 

 

PS. You don’t have to be a HRC supporter to support the above quote from her concession speech yesterday.

Filed Under: feminism, life, mommyhood, the movement, the pursuit Tagged With: feminism, life, mommyhood, the movement, the pursuit

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