Its a Hero

Rachel

a hard days work.

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Let me start by saying, I love my job. I love what I do. I’m only twenty-four years old and I have been with the same company for four years. I love what I do. I love the company. End of story. Almost.

I am finding it very difficult recently to do my job effectively. I am surrounded by a team of people who are intended to be my support structure. I feel like my support structure is a single ply piece of toilet paper that I am standing on with one foot over shark infested waters. Seriously.
My current position with my company is a stepping stone to much greater things. We all have to work our way there, and I realize this. But I am THISCLOSE to giving up. The team that I have so desperately wanted to be a part of is now disgusting me in every way, so that I want no part in it at all.
I know that I can be emotional sometimes, but I cried my eyes out during work today. I did not cry because I was angry or because things were not going my way. I cried because I felt lost. I felt alone in a room full of co-workers. I felt like the people that I trusted were using me.
No one should ever feel this way about their job. Especially when they put their heart, soul, and energy into what they do.
This being said:
I believe I have a phone interview for a new position early next week (in, guess where).
In the meantime, I will be focusing my time in energy in reading tonight and falling asleep (semi) early so that I can make it to power yoga in the morning (there’s nothing like 90-minutes of sweating your booty off on a Saturday morning).

“yoga is a lamp lit in the window of our home”

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I’ve been getting much more serious about my yoga practice lately. It’s connecting me to something within myself that is deeper than what you see on the exterior.


When I go to yoga I am in an 86 degree room with 40 people and I still feel completely alone and completely at ease. My eyes close as I perform my sun salutations to start the class, and I feel at peace (finally!). There could sometimes be a song blasting, the teacher speaking, people sweating on me, and pain shooting from every limb, but I still cannot help but feel incredible.
I have always been (for lack of a better term) appalled by religions that use scare tactics to get you to believe in something. Recently someone suggested I read the book “Meditations from the Mat.” I read the first passage today. The following really struck me.

“At a time when we could not feel further from home, yoga reminds us that we are already there, that we need simply awaken from our dream of separation, our dream of imperfection.”

I’m so excited for what’s to come… but remaining as present as possible.

The pain you wish to escape is everywhere…

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I am sometimes get so emotional, so moved, in my yoga classes that I cry. I cannot explain it but to say that it’s a very raw kind of emotion that I have not felt in years. The spiritual connection I get from yoga is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. This being said, there is a lot that has happened within the last 12 or so months that I have been avoiding coming to terms with. The mix of this raw emotion and the emotions I have been bottling up seem to bubble to the surface and I just lose it during my practice.


The yoga teacher often times will read passages from meditation books or from the gita, and tonight one passage struck me particularly hard. It reads: “Don’t walk so fast. The pain you wish to escape is everywhere.” This hit very close to home tonight. I tend to be the person who runs at the sign of any pain or uncertainty. I avoid coming to terms with my problems and, instead, flee.

The fact that my problems will exist whether I hurry through my day and worry about everything, or whether I go about my day knowing full well that things will just work themselves out, the problems will still exist. So, why not choose the easier practice of not letting my problems drag me down and ruin my mood.

I have so much to say right now. I have no energy to say it. Crying has exhausted me.

Great end to a fantastic weekend.

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I had a pretty great weekend. Yesterday I went to the eye doctor, which is something I have been putting off for over a year (let’s face it. It’s expensive and they only have bad news). Much to my surprise, the appointment went really well. I was in and out! New contacts in a couple weeks. My prescription has barely gotten worse (which for me is incredible news). And the doctor was NOT the most ancient man alive (so HE could actually SEE what he was doing!!).

Then I ventured to my uncles for his daughters second birthday party. Cutest child EVER. BF met me there and that shut the family up for a while (and overwhelmed him yet again I’m sure).

We spent a nice afternoon doing some shopping and went to a late dinner. So relaxing.

No alarms on Sundays. This is part of the reason it is my favorite day. No obligations. Nothing. So I cleaned for BF some today. We went for a walk. Made dinner. Watched Syracuse win. Woo hoo! 🙂

And now I’m getting snuggled into my favorite bed next to my favorite person. GREAT weekend. Goodnight.

— Post From My iPhone