Consider this to be an SOS. I’m exhausted. I’m beat down. I’m anxious. And I’m just, well, sad.
Generally speaking, I ‘have nothing to be sad about.’ (Yes, I’ve actually heard that recently. PS. It doesn’t help hearing that.) Because I have two (mostly) healthy children. I have a wonderful husband, a lovely home, food, clothes, a job, and two absolutely beautiful children.
But I also have PPD and anxiety.
And a baby that is recovering from a UTI.
And that same baby refuses to take a bottle. And she also refuses to really sleep. And she comfort nurses.
Basically she’s just always attached to me and never sleeps.
… and I fear that I am actually losing my mind.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel this way all the time.
Most of the time I am on my Mommy A-Game. Most of the time I can juggle it all, including my emotions.
But at those moments where I just can’t? Those moments are dark.
I found myself screaming into a pillow last night. Not just screaming… screaming profanities. And shaking. A lot.
Because after ‘one of those days,’ she refused to sleep.
Trust me. I’ve heard all the advice. But the exhausting part of this whole process is that she *will* sleep. It’s just that she *has* to be attached to me (literally) to stay asleep.
And I just want a break.
I want a break from the consistent comfort-nursing.
I want a break from the inability to separate myself from her for more than an hour (only at work, honestly).
I want a break from being the sole person able to care for her.
It. is. EXHAUSTING.
So no, I’m not looking for advice, per se. I’m just venting. And looking for hugs and solidarity.
But, so not to end on a negative note, here’s a picture of my super adorable baby that I love dearly even though I totally need a break from her special brand of crazy:
Happy Friday, friends. xo