Truth: I would love a good night of sleep. I would love to go to bed at a normal time and wake up at 7:30 am or even 8. Especially on the weekends.
I would love to not have to wake up at 3am for a feeding and to pump. I would love to not have to schedule my days around when and where I’m going to pump. And I would love to not stress about my supply not meeting Ari’s demand.
But it’s all temporary.
When I was home on maternity leave, I wasn’t able to see that these stages as just bumps in the road, thanks in large part to my postpartum depression. I was struggling to see that there was any light at the end of the tunnel. I couldn’t function.
Thankfully, I’m managing my PPD quite well these days, though I’m still haunted by some moments of extreme anxiety.
But I do recognize that all of these stages are temporary. And that’s a start.
So for now, I’ll wake up at 3am to pump even if Ari sleeps through; I’ll wake up at 6:15 am every morning, cause that’s when Ari starts his day; I’ll deal with the house being a mess cause I’m too busy to clean; and I can handle juggling work and home life, even when that means just barely making it through the day.
Because it’s bigger than me.
It’s for this perfect little guy we’ve created. And he’s totally worth it.