the true story of what was.

October 15, 2009 in about me,life,true story

Lately I’ve been inspired by the honesty of other lady bloggers. They put themselves out there. They’re brutally honest and make themselves vulnerable.

I’ve been hesitant. Very hestitant. But other lovely ladies (such as Mama’s Losin’ It and Someday I’ll Get There and Hang On Little Tomato and Little Woman, Little Home and Life Is Better In Heels, just to name a few) have gone out of their way to be incredibly open with us.

So I’ve decided to give that brutally honest thing a shot…

I’ve fielded a lot of questions in regards to my workout habits. People wonder “How do you do it?”
I’ve avoided truly answering this question.

The truth? Ok.

So many of you lovely ladies have discussed body image and the pressure that women are under (or, rather, the pressure that women feel they are under) to look a certain way. Well I’m not sure where it came from, but ever since I was about 15, this pressure turned into an obsession.

In high school I had a bit of an eating disorder. I regained control of everything the summer after my senior year of high school.

So no worries, peeps. I eat. I eat regularly.

But I have some issues still. Because of my prior history with an eating disorder, I haven’t weighed myself in years. I mean… like 8 or 9 years. Everytime I go to the doctor, I have to remind them of my history and not to tell me my weight. I close my eyes.

This is also why my workout habit isn’t really a habit. It’s an obsession. While some of you would say “I wish I had your obsession,” it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be.

I obsess. I think about working out all the time. About what I’m eating. About what I will eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner… about what I will eat tomorrow, the day after that… next week.

It’s impossible to stop my brain from obsessing thinking about these things. If I skip a day at the gym, I obsess about it all day (for example, today). If I only work out of an hour, I obsess about how it should have been longer.

I know these things are not logical. It’s just the way it is. I hate it. I wish I could change it. It controls my life. I can’t function like a normal person. I can’t go out and do things with friends because I have to wake up at 3:30 in the morning to work out.

I figured it was about time I fess up. I figured that there have got to be other people who feel this way.

And even as I hit “publish post,” I am terrified…

{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }

Simply Valorie October 15, 2009 at 11:59 pm

Thank you for being so open and honest with us. It takes a lot of courage to do that.

I wish I could tell you that it'll be okay and that someday you'll wake up and it'll stop. But I struggle with it too and have no idea if that's true. I hope it is. I'll pray for you.

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~**Dawn**~ October 16, 2009 at 12:02 am

You know what? I admire your courage to share something you struggle with. We all have personal battles that we fight, that much I know, and while I cannot relate to your particular battles, I know what it feels like to know you aren't being logical & that you can't just “turn it off.” (((HUGS))) We find strength in ourselves when we learn to lean on our communities.

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d.a.r. October 16, 2009 at 12:07 am

Me, too.

You aren't alone, I promise.

Thank you for having the courage to post this because I know that I couldn't. I dated my husband for three years before I told him for goodness sake!

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Jorden and Kristin October 16, 2009 at 12:17 am

you have a lot of courage for posting this!

you are a strong woman! and i know you can't just “turn your brain off” but at least you know this is your struggle and you can embrace it!

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Jessica October 16, 2009 at 12:49 am

It takes so much courage to open up and post things like this, I'm convinced. Thank you for sharing this with us. And, you're right, many people, including myself, would instantly think “Oh, I wish”, but after reading the pain it puts you through, no thanks.

I wish there was something that we could do to help you, but I'm sure there isn't much. Just know that you ARE beautiful girl and that you ARE being heard by us – vent whenever you need to!

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Jenny @ Practically Perfect... October 16, 2009 at 12:53 am

This was really, really brave of you πŸ™‚ I had an eating disorder for years but have struggled with whether or not to post about it, mostly because friends and family read my blog. Good for you for having the courage to put this out there!

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TheAnalyst October 16, 2009 at 1:03 am

I applaud you for being honest and accepting that this is a problem. It isn't hard to admit this to yourself, let alone to others. Have you ever thought about seeking a support group in the area?

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TheAnalyst October 16, 2009 at 1:03 am

I applaud you for being honest and accepting that this is a problem. It isn't hard to admit this to yourself, let alone to others. Have you ever thought about seeking a support group in the area?

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Georgie K. Buttons October 16, 2009 at 1:07 am

Don't be terrified! πŸ˜€ And, you're right. You're not the only one who is this way. It's kind of a familiar feeling.

Kudos for “fessing up”. You're awesome!

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Chelle October 16, 2009 at 1:32 am

Rachel, I really commend you for this post. How did it feel to finally put it out there? I hope you felt (along with the terror) some strength and courage as you wrote those words because not everyone has the guts to share their “demons” with the internet world. Just writing those words shows how amazing and resilient you are and I'm proud of you.

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JAMIE October 16, 2009 at 2:09 am

I love me some honesty. Atta girl!

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Krystyn October 16, 2009 at 2:29 am

I hope you are feeling a sense of relief after finally putting it out there. I love the honesty and I'm sure you aren't alone.

Know that you are a beautiful person and this is just the skin your soul is in. I'm sure your fabulous BF tells you that all the time.

And, it might be really good for you to be able to talk to people who have experience. You have to take care of yourself and getting up at 3:30am doesn't seem very healthy to me. ((HUGS))

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Stephanie October 16, 2009 at 3:03 am

You are brave and beautiful for having the courage to share this with us. I know how hard it can be when something in your life is taking over everything else.

Just a few weeks ago, in my group fitness class at college, we had a speaker who struggled with this very thing. He had an exercise obsession and and eating disorder. He actually was on Dr. Phil for it, and when he showed us clips from that show, I cried.
He took back his life and went to rehab twice. He still struggles every day.

I know you are strong and you will be ok. You have a support system (BF looves you!!) and a good heart.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers- ((big hug))!

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Molly October 16, 2009 at 3:16 am

It is amazing of you to open up and share this. I know we all struggle with body image, but some more than others.
I am most def ocd when it comes to my house. I re-put the groceries away if the hubs helps. I organize the fridge every day. We all have weird things…just know you are beautiful just as you are!

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Ashley October 16, 2009 at 4:49 am

This was very brave of you to open up. We all have something we struggle with. Know that you aren't alone. πŸ™‚

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{JANE} October 16, 2009 at 7:04 am

thank you for sharing this with us. you are such an inspiration!

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Seashells&Sunshine October 16, 2009 at 11:39 am

Thanks for sharing this with us, it was definitely a brave and courageous thing to do.

I hope you feel relieved that you got it off your chest. Just remember you're beautiful and that you have a great support system (boyfriend) and a “bloggy world” support system too. Vent whenever you want! Try to remember that you are beautiful and strong and can get over this! πŸ™‚

(totally unrelated, but I let you an award!)

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Gwen October 16, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Honey I want you to know that you are not alone. I struggled with an eating disorder in elementary school and junior high school. It hit me really early. I got some professional help and have been able to control it since BUT I lost all of that a few months ago. I have started noticing trends leaning me towards that again and I try my hardest to get rid of the thoughts. They will always be with us and I admire you for being brave enough to talk about your struggles. I'm hear for you if you ever need to talk!!! Hugs and prayers being sent your way!! XOXO

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Travel & Dive Girl October 16, 2009 at 3:17 pm

Your honesty is inspiring and you should be proud of yourself! I'm proud of you and I know everyone that reads your blog is too.

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JW.BW October 16, 2009 at 3:40 pm

Thanks for sharing this. It really takes alot of guts to be so honest about something you are struggling with. I hope you can find something that will help make all of this easier for you. You are a wonderful person and you really deserver happiness. I am always here for u!!!

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Jules October 16, 2009 at 5:17 pm

What a huge step! I know everyone has said it already, but it's true. It really does take a lot of strength to be so honest about yourself and to let people in like that! I applaud you! ::clap clap clap:: May you find nothing but support for opening up to us. :o)

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Mrs. Lopez October 16, 2009 at 5:40 pm

I agree with everyones post. This is very brave to post this and I'm glad you did. I can also say that I struggle daily with my weight. I've never had an eating disorder but my weight has always fluctuated from heavy to normal for someone who is only 5'4. I also always think about what i'm going to eat and feel quilty for eating something bad.

Youre not alone and i hope it will get easier for you.

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Kristen @ ladybug-blessings.com October 16, 2009 at 5:48 pm

aww thank you for being so open and honest. I am sending prayers your way. Know that you are not alone, I know a lot of people who struggle with the exact same issue.

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Becky October 16, 2009 at 9:00 pm

I had similar issues, but in Jr. High. I don't weigh myself, but I am ok with finding out what I weigh when I go to the Dr. Even it if it only twice a year.

My sister is a lot like you and it scares me. It started about 4 years ago and she has lots a tremendous amount of weight and keeps telling people she needs to work out more so she can. One of my closest friends used to skip class just so she can get her 5-6 hour workout in. She is finally on the better side of her life, but still needs to see someone to get her mental health back in order too.

I don't have advice, but I know there are other people out there that are like this too. Lots of hugs!

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Lil' Woman October 16, 2009 at 9:29 pm

I'm so glad you were able to open up and discuss this. You know if you every need to talk or need anything, I'm only an email away.

As far as your obession, I wish I could say that it would all work it self out and you'd be ok but I honestly can't promise this. If anything by sharing this, you may find someone who is going through or has gone through this as well and be able to find some light of it from there.

Though I would love to be in shape I couldn't imagine alwas thinking about it, bless your heart sweetie!

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Optimistic Pessimist October 17, 2009 at 2:47 am

you've shared…that's a start! i always try to say the important things out loud to someone…or i guess in some cases…write it down for some one to read. if i don't say it out loud it doesn't make sense, isn't true, or isn't valid.

the internet can be harsh, but in my experience it's also a place where people embrace you for you and are always willing to offer support whenever you need it.

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Annie October 17, 2009 at 2:11 pm

good for you for sharing!!
you are not alone hun. i used to have a major obsession with working out, i felt like i took it too far though and then i kind of just dropped off the wagon. i know working out is healthy and i need to get back into a routine.
i also had an eating disorder a few years back and didn't even realize how bad it was until my parents pointed it out. i changed that around real quick.

i don't have advice but i think working out to stay healthy is a positive thing but over doing it so it harms you is obviously not good. i'm sure you have control of yourself and your life, you look healthy and seem very happy πŸ™‚

hope you have a great weekend girly!!

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Megan October 19, 2009 at 2:22 am

I think this is something that almost ALL girls struggle with, yet so many of us keep it to ourselves and don't share it. You are so brave to put this out there. It might be something you always have a bit of struggle with, but I believe that you have recoginized this struggle and you can have more victories than not. Thank you for sharing this, you probably spoke to more girls than you even realize!.

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alexa - cleveland's a plum October 19, 2009 at 1:49 pm

im proud of your for writing this – it made you feel better after publishing it doesn't it?

hang in there!

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Chelsa Bea October 19, 2009 at 4:19 pm

Thank you for being so honest and open. I want you to know that you're not the only person who has or does feel this way. There are lots of people out there who have or are struggling through the same thought processes and obsessions, including me. If you need anything at all. We're here.

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Valerie {Next to Heaven} October 19, 2009 at 4:52 pm

I know it must have been hard to open up and be that honest. I applaud you for doing so. I know it takes a lot of courage. People are so judgmental these days, you really have no idea what people are going to say in response. I appreciate you being honest and open.

I thought it was a wonderful post and I'm always here for support if you need it πŸ™‚

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plaidchaos October 19, 2009 at 5:05 pm

*hugs*

It took a lot of courage to write what you did, and I applaud you. I haven't had an eating disorder, but I have an unhealthy relationship with food and I know how insidious it can be. I joke that I wish I was as obsessed about working out, but the truth is that's not the answer.

If you haven't received counseling for this, if you're not currently seeing a therapist, PLEASE consider talking to someone. It will probably always be hard, but it doesn't have to necessarily be THIS HARD. You deserve to enjoy life and feel good about yourself.

~Leslie

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LawGirl October 20, 2009 at 12:15 am

This was so brave of you to post. That's the beauty of blogland though, we get to be not only honest with our readers, but honest with ourselves.

I'm glad you shared!

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Mrs. Kimbrough October 20, 2009 at 2:46 am

as others have said…you aren't alone…I eat regularly & healthy also, but sometimes the thought of food disgusts me πŸ™

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Carolyn October 20, 2009 at 4:17 pm

There are DEF other people who feel this way – including me! In college my life revolved around what i was eating, what i wasn't eating, and what i was doing to burn calories. Although I'm over the “diet” part of my life, I still obsess over my body and weight and struggle with it daily. It's def. one of the topics I avoid more on the blog, but I work on it every week in therapy. Yay for honesty, doll. I'm here for u! xoxo

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Erica Leigh October 22, 2009 at 8:42 am

i think it's amazing of you to share something so personal. i'm very proud of you for being so honest! <3

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